Stocking the Trump Cabinet

Since declaring his candidacy for president in June, the only thing more surprising than Donald Trump’s meteoric rise to the top of the GOP polls has been his duration atop them. Any mortal politician would have been felled by calling Mexicans rapists, John McCain a loser, Megyn Kelly a harpy, or Carly Fiorina a Medusa. Trump (né Drumpf) did all that and more, and in true Nietzschean fashion has only grown stronger. Now in the aftermath of the Paris attacks, which newly laid bare the West's suicidal folly of welcoming Islam's detritus into its midst, a Trump presidency looks more probable than ever. Let us indulge ourselves then by considering the iconoclasts, curmudgeons, and true patriots who might serve as able lieutenants in the first Trump Administration.

Justice. After eight years of Eric Holder and Loretta Lynch serving as Obama's personal Ivy League-educated mulatto legal alchemists and guard dogs, Saul Goodman would be an improvement. But to lead the Judicial Trumpenkrieg required to roll back the race-obsessed garbage fire that is Obama administration jurisprudence, we need a Real Asshole who gives not one fuck what the media or progressives think. We need Attorney General Ted Cruz: a slick-tongued, Canada-born, Cuban-blooded Texas lawyer in cowboy boots, Grandpa Munster with flamethrower rhetoric, and a reliable renegade who would grant Trump's Deportation Force™ massive leeway to deport kebab, taco, and every other degenerate illegal alien squatting in this country. Executive action? You ain’t seen nothing yet, shitlibs. Bonus: Cruz will finally shut up about moving our Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. (Runner-up: Mark Levin.)

Treasury. This one is dicey, as Trump has apparently already tapped infamous vulture activist investor Carl (((Icahn))) as his Secretary of Treasury. But that guy doesn't look very healthy, let alone patriotic, so let's do better. David Stockman is the ultimate contrarian economic guru who has been calling out our crony capitalist / house of cards / Ponzi scheme financial system for years. A wunderkind budget director in the first Reagan administration, he resigned after telling the truth about U.S. budget policy in an inelegant manner in an interview, which will actually be cause for bonuses in the Trump Administration. After leaving government Stockman got rich in the private sector, then decided to dedicate his energies to being a full-time honeybadger toward Wall Street. Let him loose in the Temple against the money changers. Bonus: not Jewish. (Runner-up: Peter Schiff)

State. Rebuilding Western civilization with America firmly entrenched in a Northern Alliance of independent yet united European peoples, from Vancouver to Vladivostok, will be no light duty. It will require sage, deft diplomacy. Who better to deploy a lifetime of wisdom and a record of being right about basically everything than Pat Buchanan? He foresaw the perils of our empire, the hazards of Israeli influence, and the folly of invading Iraq and alienating Russia, while the Wise Men of Washington mocked him as a washed-up racist. All that Based Uncle Pat foretold has come to pass. And who cares that he just turned 77? Hillary and Kerry are geezers too, and a Secretary Buchanan would shirk their incessant and ineffectual globetrotting for a more civilized tenure. Like Winston Churchill working in bed until noon, you can picture Secretary Buchanan in the comfort of his study in McLean, Virginia, calling some foreign minister to inform him in Nixonian style that his country will get right with America, or kiss its American perks goodbye. (Runner-up: Rand Paul)

Defense. America's strategy for the past half-century has been succinctly described by Steve Sailer as "Invade the World, Invite the World." Trusting in Trump-Sessions to slay the latter half of this tapeworm draining our national vitality, we will need another red-blooded American unashamed to assert our national interests abroad, but also unwilling to risk our flyover country warriors to hunt Kony in the jungle or take out whichever country irritates Israel most this year. And so Jim Webb, decorated Vietnam veteran, former Secretary of the Navy, Senator from Virginia, and all-around pugnacious hardass, gets the nod here. The guy who boasted about killing zipperheads in a Democratic debate, and who loudly insulted George W. Bush after he inquired about his son's service in Iraq, is just the guy to provide for our common defense without spilling our blood for Zog. Bonus: As a Senator Webb voted against the 2007 McCain-Kennedy amnesty monstrosity. (Runner-up: Andrew Bacevich)

Vice President. Trump's celebrity, fabulous wealth, and brass knuckled nut-punches to the Establishment have made him the most threatening candidate since Ross Perot, and his safety is a legitimate concern. His running mate thus should as rock-solid on the most important issue—immigration—as Trump himself. And that means Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions. No other man did more in recent years to combat the nation-wrecking scourge of mass immigration—legal and illegal—than this American hero who fought Rubio’s Gang of 8 tooth and nail in the Senate, and who likely authored Trump's immigration policy. The only Senator to run unopposed in 2014, Sessions would add Washington experience and gravitas to the ticket without any of the usual treasonous baggage. A southern-twanged gentleman teamed with a brash New Yorker would also make leftist heads explode, and quite possibly goose the critical white Rust Belt turnout that eluded Mitt Romney. For Trump-Sessions, we would go to the ramparts. (Runner-up: Ted Cruz)

White House Staff. President Trump will also be needing capable wordsmiths and media-savvy junkyard dogs, as John Derbyshire has noted. Ann Coulter would be the greatest Press Secretary in human history. Mark Steyn could Make Speeches Great Again. Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin are goddesses of patriotic immigration reform, and deserve positions of influence along with immigration gurus Mark Krikorian and Kris Kobach. The principled talent is out there; Trump is the only candidate honest and independent enough to tap it.

Got other good nominees? "If there is hope, it lies in the comments section." So pop 'em in. 

Robert Finstock views a Trump Administration as this country's last chance to reverse becoming a bankrupt imperial polyglot multicultural warfare/welfare state flophouse.