How to Turn Your Princess-Obsessed Toddler Into The Right Stuff

Inspired by this rivetting and brilliant analysis from the New York Times Online Parenting Blog:

How to Turn Your Princess-Obsessed Toddler Into The Right Stuff

  1. Read the Brothers Grimm version of Snow White in which Snow White is asked to clean, cook, make beds, wash and sew for the dwarfs in exchange for shelter from the evil queen. Moral of the story: If you cannot or will not work in the mines and you want protection from a psychotic being of immeasurable evil power, you may have to wash dishes after you eat your free food and before you sleep in your free bed protected by 8 free bodyguards.

  2. Wonder aloud if Cinderella is ever going to lift a finger again after meeting rich-as-fuck-lives-in-a-fucking-castle Prince Charming. Then remind her that capitalism is good and communists go for helicopter rides.

  3. Remark that popular movies are escapist fantasy and rarely do they connect to the legacy of great civilizations of the past upon which our modern way of life is built. Tell her that being smug about knowing it though, and acting like you’re too good to watch a movie and eat some fucking popcorn once in a while like a normal person is being a faggy ideologue prick.

  4. Praise Belle for reading, and then remind her that this is based on a 400-year old allegorical fairy tale, which uses graphic horror to reinforce moral lessons about life. Explain that Belle feels a sense of duty and in a rare moment of agency offers her own life in exchange for her father’s, then has to deal with the consequences of her decision, but through effort and hard work is rewarded with a much more promising future.

Congratulations! Your Princess Toddler is now The Right Stuff. Remind her that if she ever dabbles with communism or being a throat fuck porn star, she’s dead to you and needs to find a new Daddy.

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Duke Godwin is the ghost of an accountant who wrote a check for the Reichskanzlei's utility bill in 1931 and was executed by Mossad at the age of 96 for aiding the Nazi's
Hell, Michigan