I was duped. I am one of the millions of Americans who voted for Donald Trump based on information I was getting from fake news. By fake news, I mean news that is not from real official reporters who have access to top officials at the DNC who will carefully let them know what to report. I am nursing a serious hangover of regret for what I have done.

I feel like one of those Brexit voters who realized their mistake only after the fact—the British media was very adroit at finding such fellows. It is the same story: the media very clearly instructed me not to vote for Trump. If only I had listened.

And now I also learn that my mind was controlled by Russia. The MSM has done some hard-hitting reporting on the insidious influence of Russia, interfering with our democracy and such. I’m not exactly sure how this works, but apparently Russia put thoughts in my brain that were Pro-Trump, anti-Clinton. How can I get these thoughts out of my brain, seeing as that they are not my true thoughts, but rather implanted thoughts?

It’s even worse. The media has proof (and by “proof," I mean speculation) that Russia hacked into the emails of key Democratic figures, exposing what they actually think, and what they actually intend to do. Of course, this information should be completely off limits for voters who will be subject to these thoughts and actions. It is completely underhanded to expose the actual intentions of Clinton, rather than just focusing on her talking points—which is what a real official journalist would do.

Russia and fake news stories spread lies and misinformation, like that weird conspiracy that all was not right with Hillary’s health. And when Hillary collapsed in public? The real question should have been: What is up with Trump’s health? You see, we really didn’t know too much about that either. Sure, he doesn’t have epileptic fits, but it’s not like he’s “Mr. I go to the gym every day.” Keep in mind that when Hillary collapsed on 9/11, the weather was quite hot. So like I said, people were taken in by conspiracy theories that happened to be backed up by video evidence—which doesn’t prove anything!

Now I am very angry with Russia. I can’t really give specifics, but from what I gather they are very naughty, well beyond our other allies who literally stone people to death. Furthermore, Russia simply refuses to dictate its foreign policy based on the well-being of Israel.
Look, if Israel has some inkling that a country out there might be a threat at some time in the indeterminate future, you take that country out. I see no need to alter this sage foreign policy which has guided us through some tumultuous waters over the last fifteen years or so. And yet Russia, very uncooperatively, has done the opposite by playing nice with Iran and Syria. As John McCain put it, Putin is a “thug.” I don’t think he would use such mean language if there weren’t some pretty good reasons behind it. It would be unfair to question the motives of those who oppose Russia. They only want what is best for Isra—I mean America.

Finally, when I voted for Trump, what I was really voting for was diversity. Lots of it. That was clearly his core campaign message. After all, a beige horizon is inevitable, as I learned from the musical stylings of Shaun Majumder. So what I really need to see is a lot more diversity in Trump’s cabinet, and yet what I actually see are a lot of Fucking White Males. Some of these FWM’s are even pro-Russia, and I’m already mad at Russia for secretly implanting thoughts in my brain about the whole election thing. So as a bamboozled and tricked Trump voter, I hope he will sort this out immediately.

Therefore, from here forward, I am no longer using the internet, seeing as that bad, fake information is floating around there. I will be going back to watching the five o’clock news from a well-spoken mulatto such as Lester Holt, or perhaps reading a print edition of the New York Times. I just want to be safe again.