I'm a Jew and I'm Part of the Alt-Right (Trust Me, Goy!)

Recently at synagogue my rabbi and I were having a schmooze and I brought up something that had been weighing heavy on my heart, “Rabbi, I know that even though we tirelessly fight for their rights of free expression, the goyim will still never accept us. I get so heated thinking about it I start schvitzing like I’m in an oven. Why should we keep fighting on their behalf?”

Rabbi Rothsteinberg bowed his head and thought deeply for a moment. Abruptly, a profound change occurred in his demeanor. I think it was the spirit of YHVH alighting upon his wizened brow or at least the departed soul of Elie Wiesel. When he finally spoke it was in slow, measured tones, “Mr. von Jügel, I know in your home country of Germany (Oy vey! Even typing the name sends shivers of pain and remembrance through my weak, palsied wrists. Right where my death camp tattoo is. The one that Goebbels personally gave me when I was still a fetus in my mother’s womb. It was part of their evil Nazi experiments, God help us. That’s why my tattoo doesn’t show up anymore. The vaginal fluids in the birth canal acted as an abrasive and burned the numbers off. I was a baby. This really happened) the gentiles have not dealt with the Chosen kindly. They ridicule us, blame the economy’s failings on us and spit on us in the streets. These things actually happen. We both know.”

“Oy gevalt! We are but simple people, tending to our various trades,” Rabbi Goldbergstein continued. “We work hard; whether it’s producing films for the little gentile boys and girls, expanding the frontier of gender studies or teaching underprivileged minority communities how to peacefully protest, we work hard. We care about the goyim, even though they think we don’t. It’s all a big shemozzle, my son. That’s why this recent smearing of the Alt-Right is such a blow to us. We feel it right in the beytses. The Alt-Right is, after all, one of our longest running goyim-outreach operations.”

Of course! I’d forgotten this little truth about the Alt-Right’s pedigree--what a shlemiel I was! Besides TV, movies, music, academia, book publishing, politics and the soft sciences, metapolitical movements are our bread and butter. Ever since the fall of the Third Reich we have been quietly and tirelessly degrading fashy aesthetics and ideologies in the hopes of safeguarding against a second Holocaust. We even went so far as to establish our own ethnostate; basically the fashiest thing you can do, in order to defend against the eventual unfounded blowback we’re sure to experience from you irrational goyim.

I don’t mean to give you a megillah; after all, I know you goyim aren’t too gifted when it comes to verbal IQ, but it’s important that someone fills you in on the Truth before you slide all the way to the bottom of the slippery slope you keep greasing up for yourselves with NEET sweat and daddy’s cummies (See, I know the lingo. I’m a pillar of the Alt-Right community.)

I know it might seem contradictory for a Jew to actually, non-ironically be a part of the Alt-Right but when you think about it from my totally objective point-of-view you’ll see that it makes perfect sense. First, let’s examine some of the basic tenets of the True Alt-Right. That is, the Alt-Right as it existed many years ago, in the Before Time, prior to the childish skinheads and Nazi LARPers infiltrating it. Here is the True Doctrine as handed down from mother to son:

1.) We are opposed to illegal immigration. As long as you’re legal, however, you’re more than welcome. Even if you’re only “legal” because the system refuses to enforce laws that are already on the books. If you’re brown, we’re down. Don’t let any skinhead tell you that America is a “traditionally White” nation. That’s malarkey! Remember what it says on the Statue of Liberty. That’s newer than the Constitution, therefore better and more accurate. The founders didn’t want exclusively European immigrants; they want the “tired huddled masses.” Listen to your heart, goy. You know this to be true.

2.) No Globalist Elites allowed! I’m looking at you, Israel! Now I’m not going to take the time to go into specific critiques of Jewish power structure but suffice it to say that even though they’ve made their mistakes, other countries are worse. If you don’t know which ones I’m talking about, boy have you got a lot to learn, newfag. Look, Israel is near and dear to my heart. I’m the first to criticize its failings, believe me. But this is neither the time nor the place. Besides, what would a bunch of proposition nation plebs understand about a country based on Soil, Blood and Tradition? Israel is a definite place with definite borders and definite members. If you think about it, though, that’s sort of a weakness. I’d much rather live in a country founded on vague ideas and subject to reinterpretation by generations of Jewi--uh, elected officials. That’s such a strength! With that kind of foundation, why, you can be anything you want! Which segues right into my next point--

3.) We believe that a healthy, stable relationship between a man and a woman is the basis of a healthy, stable Nation. Of course, “man” and “woman” are flexible terms. Even in lesbian relationships you have the “Bulldyke” and the “Femme.” And, hey, that’s all good, man! As long as you have both poles represented (like in every gay male relationship--Ha!) you’re following tenet #3! Let me take a moment here to straighten out a fallacious notion that’s been making its way around the dark corners of the Internet. Jewish intellectuals are not purposefully pushing dysgenic theories on the impressionable young people out there. This is categorically untrue. As borne out by IQ tests, Ashkenazi Jews are more intelligent than any other group, verbally-speaking. That means that you can believe what we say. If the fact that a lot of what our scientists say contradict your social norms, that’s not our fault! We’re just giving you the truth. And as Einstein showed us, the Truth is often relative. You just need to be open to the idea that the gender spectrum is not bipolar. Step into the New Age, grandpa. Who knows? If you play your cards right you might get a HJ from a hot Trans male that looks like a 21-year-old girl. Dreams do cum true.

4.) This one’s a doozy. Might be the last one I tackle in fact, it’s so personal. I get very triggered talking about these kinds of things. Anti-Semitism. Yes, well. Unfortunately, as I said earlier there is a very vocal minority of people who claim to be part of the Alt-Right who spread anti-Semitic memes all across the Internet. They share pictures of Jews being shoved into ovens like it’s nothing. If you ask them about their disrespect they claim the Holocaust never even happened. Can you believe that? In the Current Year people still believe that the 6 million were not gassed and ovened. I got so angry one day that I asked one of these Alt-Right pretenders where they got the idea that the Holocaust never happened. The pompous brat rattled off some gibberish about there “not being any paperwork explicitly calling for the extermination of the Jews.” He even showed me a stupid coin that had a swastika (OY VEY) on one side and a Star of David on the other. As if that’s supposed to mean anything! Then he had the gall to link me to some despic--uh, I mean, confused gentile pastor who babbled on about high tech ovens and asked a funeral director about cremation times. These people are loco, amigo! So, to summarize my feelings on the matter, I don’t really care. American children are told the truth about the Holocaust and the 6 million from age 5 onward. They’re made to read Night at least 3 times and told about Hitler’s sexual derangement due to having one testicle (He was probably into butt stuff too, goys.) They’re taken on field trips to one of a dozen or so handsomely funded Holocaust Museums at least once in their school careers. A vocal minority on Twitter doesn’t scare me; although, those parentheses got real old, real fast. Moving on.

Actually, I’m going to skip ahead. That lost point really took the wind out of me. I’m of a delicate constitution. A highly calibrated intellect like mine can’t stand the virulent hatred of low-IQ subhumans for long periods of time. I know that I’m preaching to the choir here. You goys are hip to the real issues facing us White people. I think we’d all agree that the biggest problem isn’t the Jews; it’s the schvartzes, and not for the reasons you might think. I’m aware of the fact that a lot of us Alt-Righters don’t feel comfortable around them, and that’s fine. We all have our preferences. But our White Fragility needs to be challenged by being around POC if we ever hope to become true übermenschen. I’m here to tell you that if you were truly an Alpha Male, you wouldn’t have any problem sharing your society with blacks.
Look at it this way. We’re so much stronger and smarter than them anyway. It’s a no brainer! Plus, it’s basically our fault that they’re perpetually underachieving. It was us, after all, who brought them here (Whites, I mean. Not Jews specifically. Don’t be crazy!) Oy vey, there I go again. Look, I don’t mean to be critical but let’s face it goy--er, guys, we aren’t gonna be around forever. Blacks probably are. Ironically, they’re like the Great White Sharks of the human race (except for the part about never sleeping.) They’re big, violent and only exist to kill; it’s evolution and if you believe in science you have to believe what I’m telling you right now. They’re like the Deer Tick whose head remains embedded in your flesh even after you extract the bloated, blood-filled body. They’ll just keep hanging on no matter what and living separate from them is not an option. Diversity is a strength that we can’t stand to lose. Besides, relocating millions of dindus to their homeland is a physical impossibility! Africa is a hellscape of rape and murder. Of course, it’s only that way because of colonialism, goy. Don’t delude yourself by thinking it’s because of some failing on the part of blacks. It denies their agency to propose that they have Free Will.

Look, I’m not going to give you any specifics about why it’s not ironic that I’m a Jew and I’m on the Alt-Right. There’s no need. We’re in this together, goy--er, I mean, fellas. Isn’t that what this movement is all about? Being in a big tent? Letting everybody have a voice; even if it seems laughable and contradictory that they claim to be a part of our movement, even if they don’t have any explicit credentials to show, even if they only have 18 posts and 5 rep? It’s not about that. It’s about the White race (Which I completely believe exists. Any time I may have written otherwise was just me acting as a double agent for our cause.)

So the real issue is this: If we want to save our people we have to interbreed with blacks. Think about it. It’s the only way. I know it sounds “radical” but the Alt-Right has always been radical. Even if it seems contradictory, it’s not. As Hillary said, there’s a lot of smoke but there’s no fire. There are so many reasons why it will lead to 14/58 Racist War Now or whatever. For example, think of the money we’d save in welfare payments alone if each of us married a big, beautiful black woman. Trust me, it would totally work. And everyone knows that Whites secretly lust for blacks. The women want the gorilla dick niggas and the men want that sweet dark meat. The False Alt-Righters who say that miscegenation dilutes the power of the Race only have pseudoscience to back up their claims. You know who else believed in Racial Purity? That’s right--Hitler!

As far as other tactics go, I don’t think they really deserve consideration. The #1 priority is that we (as in--Whites. This is one of the occasions I’m identifying as Non-White) interbreed with blacks. Also that we lay off Israel. They’re both #1. There are so many worse enemies out there, just waiting. Also, we need to drop the silly Hitler meme. That just scares off the normies. In fact, we shouldn’t really talk about Race at all. We should talk more about the metapolitical aspects of our movement. That’s what it is implicitly anyway. Crazed racists like Greg Johnson are probably high off of huffing their own farts when they say things like “The Alt-Right means White Nationalism or nothing at all.” Do you have any idea how un-cool racism is in The Current Year, goy? When you get exposed as being a racist you can kiss your entire prospects goodbye. It’s not worf it.

And if this whole article seemed like a smokescreen to cover up the fact that I’m actually trying to co-opt your movement, then boy oh boy, I guess the tin foil hat you’re wearing is a little too tight. Or maybe you’re drinking too much fluoride. Luckily our Fearless Leader is a water filter salesman. Mazel Tov.