The Not-So-Wise Latina

“I am the governor of the state of New Mexic-oooo… I’m sitting in there with my sister eating pizzz-aa”.

When the staff of the El Dorado Hotel in Santa Fe, New Mexico called the police last December to have attendees of a disruptive fiesta physically removed from their upscale hotel, tequila-saturated Governor Susana Martinez made a series of phone calls to 911.

America’s first Laaah-Teen-Ah governor demanded to know who filed the complaint – which included bottles being thrown from the roof of the hotel - stated in the recorded call that it is “public record”, telling the dispatcher at one point to “give it to me”. Much of the exchange focused on finding out who made the initial complaint, presumably for seeking retribution. In one final call, Martinez yelled at the dispatcher to “call them off!”, referring to the police, who by then had already arrived at the hotel.

Following the incident, Martinez refused to answer any questions about the calls, saying she only had one cocktail to drink that night. This, of course, is laughable for anyone who has spent more than a dozen or so seconds listening to the tapes:

Somebody’s doing the drinking.

This sort of degenerate behavior is unsurprising, especially since Martinez was once a rising star in the Republican Party and is now the target of an FBI investigation for illegal fundraising activities. The governor, of course, denies any of these allegations.

Somebody’s doing the grafting.

A year earlier, a whistleblower lawsuit was filed in a New Mexico state court, detailing numerous accounts of public corruption, mismanagement, and intimidation; all at the hands of political appointees in high-ranking government offices, put there by Governor Martinez. The 22 page complaint reveals many details about secret slush funds, ill-gotten tax credits, and a curious relationship between the state and a company controlled by a Martinez appointee. The lawsuit concluded with two of these appointees being fired. The governor is said to have no knowledge of any of these dealings.

Somebody’s doing the corrupting.

In March, a Pew Charitable Trusts poll found that New Mexico has had virtually no economic recovery following the recession. Since the year 2000, the number of people on food stamps in New Mexico has tripled. The state is 50th in poverty, 48th in education, and 50th in chronic unemployment. Perhaps most shocking is that in the past year, the number of homicides in Albuquerque have shot up by 35%.

Worst of all, Syrian refugees are being relocated to New Mexico in large numbers, thanks in large part to the eager capitulating of Governor Martinez, the great, brown, female hope of an inclusive Republican Party. You see, when bringing illegals across the southern border by the millions isn’t enough, the first female Hispanic governor of the “these are our values party” will see to it that they are flown here in droves.

Somebody’s doing the cucking.

Which brings us to Donald Trump’s Tuesday night rally in Albuquerque. In an effort to continue to shore up support from the party establishment, the presumptive nominee extended an invite to Governor Martinez to attend, along with many other state Republican officials. I would’ve advised him to snub the governor for the simple fact that she's a political liability, but Trump acted magnanimously and extended the invite anyway. The governor rejected the invitation and did not attend.

An egregious error.

Trump reacted swiftly, listing off the aforementioned statistics during his speech at the Albuquerque rally, concluding with comments about the influx of Syrian refugees and responding to the ensuing boos from the audience:

Trump’s trolling of Martinez induced widespread kvetching from both Democrats and Republicans alike, with many Republicans lamenting that Trump should be celebrating the fact that Martinez is not only a woman, but also Hispanic! Muh natural conservatives. After a series of fevered phone calls and text messages back and forth amongst the party establishment, the Republican Governor’s association issued a statement that completely avoided criticizing Trump – a rare, smart move by a party comprised almost entirely of sadomasochists.

Martinez has not only refused to endorse Trump, but has also been critical of the man many expect to have a legitimate shot at the White House. At the Republican retreat in Florida last month, Martinez told 60 wealthy donors that she’s offended by Trump’s comments about immigrants, his proposal to build a wall, and his plan to make Mexico pay for it – citing all three as “irresponsible”. After all, Martinez is descended from a long line of responsible, law-abiding Mexicans.

Coming to the governor’s defense, Little Marco, former White House hopeful and foam party enthusiast, tweeted:

Then on Wednesday morning, Bill Kristol, the rotund and Jewish ringleader of the newly minted Renegade Party, white-knighted for Martinez by tweeting:

By Wednesday evening, Trump had already begun tightening the screws, ignoring Martinez and bullyciding Mitt, referring to the feckless Mormon as a “choker” at his rally in Anaheim, saying Romney walks like a penguin. “Like a penguin!”


Martinez will be out of office at the end of 2016, barred by the state constitution from seeking another term as governor. With the few political prospects Martinez might have had now all but diminished, the unstoppable Trump has shown yet another hapless and cuckolded Republican that he cannot be stumped.

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Executive Producer and Co-Host of Fash the Nation