Jew Wars: The Faggotry Awakens

It's no secret I'm a huge science-fiction nerd, so no amount of autistic nay-saying and ranting about how no one should give shekels to Jew-Jew Abraham was going to stop me from seeing a NEW Star Wars film. Yes, I felt Abrams absolutely ruined "Star Trek: Into Darkness" recently by replicating a scene from Wrath of Khan in the most talentless, uninspired way possible, and honestly I can't stand anyone who confuses lens-flare with good directing, but this is a big budget science fiction film from a franchise all of us proud Americans grew up with, so of course I'm going to go see the damn movie.

A couple of caveats: first, while Star Wars was a part of my childhood and I've seen every film and all of the animated series, I prefer Star Trek and its occasionally thought-provoking "what-if" scenarios. Star Wars is a space opera, Star Trek is often more philosophical.

Secondly, I'm not bothered by the idea per se of a female lead and a Dindu hogging screen time. It's SCIENCE FICTION, there's actual alien species involved here, and it's not like the original villain wasn't voiced by a black guy. Hell, my favorite ST series has a Shakespearean Negro captain, so to me, aside from the disturbing possibility of actual coal-burning in the sequel, the on-screen diversity doesn't rustle my jimmies.

alt Deep Space Nine was the best, you know it's true.

Going into this, I'm approaching it from the angle of is this is a sci-fi film worth watching, objectively speaking?

The first thing you have to keep in mind is that historically Star Wars has really only had three things going for it: The special effects, the musical score, and the distinctive retro-style of the aesthetics. I just rewatched A New Hope last night, and suffice it to say this series has always been short on character development/motivations and long on visual distractions.

In short, it plays to the strengths of a (((certain))) technically precise but shallow director who specializes in faithful imitations of past greatness.

Mostly The Force Awakens succeeds in reproducing the feel and aesthetic style of the original films. The intrusion of CGI is less jarring than previous movies, the soundtrack is good, and there's no Ewoks or Gungans running around. Abrams did his homework and shamelessly pilfered the most iconic shots and locations from the originals in a rip-off that makes you feel home again. It is an immersive science fiction movie that largely succeeds in sucking you in.

During one particular scene, I actually remembered being 6 years old watching Star Wars in a hotel room before my aunt's wedding, so obviously the movie gets the nostalgia down pat. There's TIE fighters howling around, laser bolts flying, lightsabers humming, familiar faces from decades ago—yeah, if you grew up with 1980s sci-fi, this is going to be quite the trip down memory lane.

And just like the other films, character motivations are questionable, there's gaping plot holes, and big time continuity questions. Characters suddenly re-appear, announce they're actually janitors, and have random special abilities purely for the sake of moving the story along, and Abrams will just throw in some sound effects and explosions to distract you. Suspending your disbelief in a universe featuring retro-style spaceships and tentacle monsters shouldn't be this hard at times.

On balance, being able to sit in a theater and watch MOTHERFUCKING HAN SOLO talking to Princess Lei again is probably going to sell it for a lot of folks, but to me, the real issue isn't cynically re-using stars from 40 years ago, Dubious Dindu, the plucky heroine who somehow has all of her character's special abilities unlocked and fully upgraded at level 1, or Carrie Fisher's wooden performance.

The big problem with *Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the villains.* Specifically, the main antagonist, who comes off more like Christopher Mintz-Plasse's Red Mist character from Kick-Ass than a Dark Lord of the Sith. Kylo Ren wields a ridiculous lightsaber which other, edgier commenters pointed out resembles an actual burning cross, while sporting the Sith equivalent of tight hipster jeans.

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Even in full costume, he looks like a sort of skinny Snake Eyes knockoff without the heft and presence of the original Vader. This gets a lot worse when he removes his mask and reveals the face of someone who probably spends more time wishing My Chemical Romance would get back together than he does Force-choking subordinates.

Worse is Abram's decision to actually show the original Vader's helmeted skull in a scene designed to explicitly underline that Darth Emo is literally a wannabe incapable of ever being as believable and compelling as the original character. Once again, the alt-right predicted this move of excessively humanizing the villain, which is a pretty stupid fucking decision to make, since it deprives the bad guys of any real weight. Kylo Ren literally throws a TEMPER TANTRUM during one scene, which I assume Jew Jew Abraham thought viewers would find intimidating, when in fact we all thought it was pathetic and showed a lack of control. The dildo media has also effectively confirmed this character is supposed to be "bad" because he's a representation of every college-age liberal girl's unstable degenerate boyfriend.

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Now we have another fuzzy universe full of shades of grey in which there is no true evil to overcome, just some emo faggot going through a teenage rebellious phase.

This extends all the way to the metanarrative in which the First Order fights the Resistance, who are apparently funded by the Republic. Well who the fuck is the Resistance resisting? The First Order are apparently just a terrorist organization squabbling with another sectarian group.

Real compelling villains, Abraham; this is as bad as casting Benedictine Frumperbotch as Khan.

So all in all, as a sci-fi film goes, you can do worse, and if you saw the original films and liked them, this one is going to probably push the right buttons for you. The ugly Dubious Dindu IS distractingly hideous, sort of like a Negro Phantom of the Opera scampering around, but you can safely reject a lot of the autistic whining about this which is eerily similar to the griping about Mad Max, Fury Road being a feminist film. Yeah it has some degree of pozz, but the real problems involve Abrams screwing up iconic villain archetypes with shitty casting and bad characterizations.

It's a VILLAIN, Jew-Jew; he needs to be malevolent, unwavering, and intimidating, not some poncy faggot most famous for being Lena Dunham's boyfriend.