The European's Guide to Helping Refugees

Is your country one of the many European countries taking pity on all the poor military aged males fleeing war-torn countries? First off, good on you! It’s Europe’s job (remember the Holocaust) to take in refugees so bad things don’t happen (don’t forget the Holocaust) to them (another Holocaust). You are doing your duty!

Since these men are coming from oppressive cultures, it’s important not to give them culture shock. You must ease them into abstaining from female genital mutilation and child brides. They can still have male circumcision though because that’s purely a religious procedure. Change is good, but not too much change! Baby steps are important.

Here are some accommodations your country should make so that hundreds of thousands of men don’t feel too uncomfortable. Don’t worry though, you will be able to learn about tons of cool traditions.

First, have your blonde women dye their hair. See, most men from the Middle East are dealing with non-European women. As such, they cannot be reasonably expected to contain their excitement and refrain from raping any good looking white women they see.

You should also have your women travel in packs. Much like the blonde hair and white facial features are just too much to handle for your new friends and neighbors, a woman walking alone is practically begging to be kidnapped, raped, and abused. That’s just common sense. Women love to travel in groups anyway, so this is barely any accommodation.

One last thing for the women. This one is sure to be a big hit. Don’t you hate having to pick out an outfit each day? All that gross individualism is so very tiring! Now, you can just throw on a black robe that covers everything but your eyes. It’s like a masquerade party every day for the rest of your life! Don’t worry about forgetting to wear it, as the nice brown men will remind you by spitting and calling you a whore. It’s a win-win!

You like bacon or ham? Did you know it’s as bad for you as smoking is? Coincidentally, just has hordes of people with religious objections to pork have made landfall in small (formerly) European towns, the World Health Organization released a statement advising people not to eat too much meat! How great, the refugees are actually helping everybody live healthier!

Europeans might be accustomed to clean streets and trains not filled with feces and trash. Where is the variety? This is so boring. Now, young children will have lots of cultural stimulation as they walk their newly enriched neighborhood and try to keep from catching sickness from the unsanitary conditions. So many new sights and smells!

Speaking of children and cultural stimulation, did you know that Europeans have silly ideas about children? They seem to think children are not to be coerced to have sex with middle aged men. Some ridiculous concept of children being innocent and not sex slaves. The people soon to be living near your school will fix that notion. It’s time we let old Muslim men free young European boys and girls from the oppression of virginity.

All that and more awaits your formerly quiet town. Some future attractions will include, but are not limited to, public stonings, hangings, and riots asking for free stuff! Remember, Europeans are nothing special. They shouldn’t be exclusionary (remember the Holocaust). All cultures are equal. All people, regardless of the entirety of history, are equal (don’t forget the Holocaust). It is very important Europe accepts that it won’t be a white land for white people anymore. Whiteness and White exceptionalism is such a myth anyway!