Top Ten Liberal Beliefs That Came From Television

One of the most important questions ever posed by anyone on his journey rightward is, “Why are liberals so stupid?” It’s a bit perplexing. How can someone smart enough to correctly repeat a blizzard of global warming talking points actually think that you can purchase machine guns at military surplus stores? How dumb do you have to be to think Islam is feminist-friendly?

Sure, conservatives tend more often than not to believe the world is about 10,000 years old, God originally made angler fish vegetarians, and that Noah somehow fit 2 of every animal on Earth, in a boat, but face it, radiocarbon dating is a little harder to understand than “black neighborhoods aren’t exactly safe.” Like, have you ever SEEN Detroit?

Well, the answer is pretty simple. Liberals are generally more trusting toward the TV, they watch a lot more sitcoms, and they don’t venture outside their upper-class SWPL bubble much. So when it comes to everything from guns to “teens,” everything liberals know comes from TV.  So without further ado, I present my top ten:

  1. “He should have shot him in the leg.” Every single time some dindu meets his Maker thanks to being unable to distinguish real life from a rap video, idiot liberals around the country bleat about warning shots, shooting the gun out of Mr. Nuffin’s hand, and other mind-boggling nonsense. Any sane (i.e. gun-owning) American might wonder where they get such crazy ideas. The answer, of course, is that in movies and TV, heroes save the day with trick shots all the time. Liberals think TV is reality, so that’s why they think it takes one bullet to kill someone and shooting someone in the leg is a thing.

  2. Most female POC look like this:
    Black Woman at website Simple math says that the demand for every company to be 12% black is pants-on-head retarded.  Once you subtract the felons, illiterates, and “real niggaz,” there just aren’t enough to go around. In industry, competent black, female engineers are worth their weight in gold because they’re so rare.   Yet liberals think that the only possible reason you don’t have two black, female chemists on your team of 10 PhDs is racism. But think about it. What percentage of black women in sitcoms and movies look like this?

    There's all you need to know.
    There's all you need to know.

  3. Terrorists usually look like this:
    white nationalists If you’ve seen Sum Of All Fears, you know why liberals think white, Southern terrorism is a major threat to the nation. I mean, have we ever seen a movie with Muslim mass murderers? I can’t remember one.

  4. Smart, tough-minded, no-nonsense female leaders are normal. M from the newer James Bond films. Fish Mooney from Gotham. Allison Taylor on 24. Laura Roslin on Battlestar Galactica. Liberals will never accept that capable leadership is the exception, not the rule, when women are in power, because you never see a vindictive bitch who cares more about her personal, petty bullshit than the organization in a TV show. That’s why they think “sexism,” not “reality,” is the reason you don’t see more women in management.

  5. Muslims are just Western liberals who eat couscous and wear hijabs. Hey, remember that great episode of Law & Order where they broke up a Pakistani child slavery ring, and the guys they caught clearly did not comprehend that sex with children is wrong, because it’s commonplace back home? Remember that thought-provoking movie about the Crusades where a bunch of religious fanatics attacked Byzantine Jerusalem? Of course you don’t. Muslims are always the enlightened foil for some benighted Western bigot to learn to overcome his prejudice. A Muslim on TV is never going to savagely beat his wife or drop everything he’s doing to go join ISIS.

    little boy reads quran
    Look how cute these kids are! How could you say no to such beautiful diversity?

  6. Fracking is killing communities. No matter how much science says otherwise, liberals believe everything they need to know about fracking they learned from Gasland, a work of fiction by a Hollywood half-wit that is based mainly on debunked anecdotes and outright fantasy. For every detailed investigation of the environmental effect of fracting, there are twenty asshats on TV pulling stupid PR tricks where they show that yes, water pumped directly into shale is pretty gross.

  7. Little dindus just need a pretty white girl to go believe in them. Dangerous Minds is one of the most dangerous movies ever made. Thanks to this piece of schlock, doe-eyed SWPL girls think that going to foreign hellholes like Somalia, Pakistan, and Detroit is actually a good idea. When a white altruist shows up in a community of savages to build a school and hug the little children, of course it always works. Feel-good movies don’t exactly work if they end with the men of the town snorting the HIV medication to get high, or the urban classroom being an eight-hour-a-day, five-day-a-week chimpout that makes the little white girl quit in disgust. And of course, these areas of the world are legitimately dangerous because savages are savage. SWPL white idealists get raped or killed every year in the armpits of the world. Remember those American journalists ISIS beheaded? They were mostly SWPLs who thought they were going to overcome war with solidarity drum circles or some shit.

  8. Poor people are hard-working, honest folk. How often are poor people portrayed as jobless, dropout druggies who can’t stop making bastard children? Outside of Cops, almost never. They like to imagine the average American poor is a blue-collar stiff from 1930, wearing his cap and overalls to the factory, working 60 hours a week to feed his family. This lie from the TV is so deeply ingrained in the liberal consciousness that their public intellectuals repeat it as though it were some kind of fact, which of course it isn’t.

    Literally every “fact” in this entire quote is a lie.
    Of course, we know the truth. What makes you poor in America isn’t the man keeping you down, it’s dropping out of high school, going to jail, and not being able to follow instructions or show up on time. The rich, not the poor, work the most hours and exhibit the virtues of thrift and industry.

  9. Machine guns are the criminal’s weapon of choice. Every time the subject of guns comes up, liberals dissolve in weeping hysterics over “spraying bullets” and “rapid fire.” And that’s just the males! For you and I, movies like Die Hard are just fun action flicks. But to liberals, they’re real life. Liberals believe “gun crime” is a zany mastermind with an English accent and his black-clad goons hosing down coffee shops with MP5s in order to get a million dollars to buy a Russian nuke to give to a Tea Party terrorist, not a black boy shooting a white baby in the head because his mother wasn’t carrying cash.

  10. Business executives are heartless conservatives who inflict suffering for profit. Remember that godawful Bond movie about the evil plot to take over Bolivia’s water, parch all the towns, and let all the children die for profit? Liberals think that’s how reality works (inb4 “it was based on a true story!” And I suppose you think The Motorcycle Diaries was accurate). They believe whenever a private company doesn’t adhere to their fantasy unicorn version of how reality should work (i.e. nothing costs anything and no one ever loses his job), it’s because a sneering villain is cackling to himself as he counts sheafs of bank notes out while sitting on a throne made of orphan bones. It couldn’t possibly be that outside the federal government, either the ink stays black or you don’t come back next year. No, it’s pure evil. Everything liberals know about how business works, they learned from shows like Captain Planet.

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Hateful Heretic is a jerk.