Christians, Behold Your New God!

Well, it looks like the entire state of Indiana is being targeted by the Cathedral for its failure to promise to punish Christians for failing to celebrate homosexuality with sufficient enthusiasm. Right on cue, an awful lot of evangelicals are wringing their hands and saying, “Gosh, isn’t it the Christian thing to do to bake a gay wedding cake anyway? Isn’t that what Jesus said, ‘Love thy neighbor and celebrate his faggotry with him’?”

Okay, let me try to put this in perspective.

I want you to imagine the goddess Artemis. Wait, no, that’s too anachronistic. I want you to imagine a giant dildo. If you went to public school, this shouldn’t be hard; it’s what you learned about in 4th grade sex ed. This dildo is the progressive god. We’ll call him Dildolech.

Now you live in a nice city. Most people go to church, and while some minority doesn’t, the Cult of Dildolech is nowhere to be found. One day, some Dildolecherous missionaries show up on your doorstep. They’re out preaching the Profane Gospel of His Vileness. And what do you do? Well, you told yourself that the right thing to do was “give him a cup of cold water in My Name” (except oops, that text is about providing for those sent by Christ). Envigorated by your provision, they go on their way, preaching their blasphemous word and converting many.

Eventually, you find them at a booth, selling little cursed totems of Dildolech. “Give your wife this totem,” they say, “And Dildolech will curse her with barrenness!” Well, gosh. That sounds nice. You’d like to have sex with your wife and not worry about having kids. They’re such a drag! Sure, the Bible has a lot of good things to say about them, but it’s not relevant to today. You tell yourself that just having a Dildolech totem isn’t the same as worshiping him. You just want the side benefits. God won’t mind.

After your wife realized she could fuck whoever she want with no consequences, she started freezing you out in bed. Your marriage really went south. Along came a Dildolecher, and he said unto you, “Just change your marriage laws. You guys are clearly unhaaaaaappy, and you’d be much happier with a divorce! Dildolech The Vile teaches that marriage is a prison, that female promiscuity is a sacrament, and your Christian marriage laws are foul to his name!” Well, you don’t know about all that stuff about Dildolech. You’re a Christian. You don’t want to serve a false god.  But you know, you want a divorce, and Dildolech is not real anyway. You decide the marriage laws should be changed. You get a divorce. You tell yourself that you’re not exactly worshipping Dildolech. Sure, your ex-wife not only has the totem and participates in the sacrament…okay, well she’s going to the prayer meetings, too. Well, you got divorced. She’s not your responsibility. Your kids will get over it. You’re not an idolater. God wants you to be happy, right? I mean, it’s just a coincidence that what the Blasphemous Writ of Dildolech teaches and what you want are the same thing. Besides, a recent seminary grad assures you that the Bible was just misinterpreted this whole time.

You notice that your country’s greatest institutions are all headed by consecrated prophets of Dildolech now—the universities, the government agencies, the law schools, the primary schools, and even some church seminaries. Well, separation of church and state means they’re not going to be forcing kids to worship Dildolech, right? I mean, we’re all Americans here. We all respect pluralism and tolerance. Your institutions are safe in the hands of the Dildolecherous.

Your kids come home from school. Their homework is to write essays on all the great accomplishments of Dildolecherous monks. This bothers you a little bit…but only a little bit. Sure, the list of heroes reads like a litany of degenerates and blasphemers, but you have to admit they did some good. After all, didn’t they do some genuinely great things, like putting women in headship over men and getting rid of bigotry? Bigotry is really bad. You’ve seen a lot of movies about how bad bigots are, with the way they’re so mean to gentle, innocent, kind people who just want to peacefully enjoy the sacraments of Dildolech. Jesus wants you to be nice. The movies say bigots aren’t nice. Being nice means saying nothing when people worship Dildolech. Besides, the Church needs modern saints. The only one you can think of is Saint Martin the Wise. It makes you uncomfortable when people say he served Dildolech, falsified his own epistles, and participated in the vile sacrament. He’s a great saint. He fought bigotry, just like Jesus did.

Your kids don’t want to go to church. In fact, they don’t even want to study anything useful in college. They just want to go to the Dildolech festivals and participate in the profane and foul temple rites. You don’t say anything. The TV says the bad parents are the ones who say “No” to teenagers. You tell yourself it’s just a phase. Haven’t teenagers always been bowing the knee at the altar of Dildolech?  TV says you can’t stop a teenager from participating in unholy rituals or consecrating himself to idols. It’s just a phase. They’ll come back to the Church when they  have kids. Your daughter has herself sterilized. She’s 22.

The news reports that many cities are now funding the erection of a gigantic golden dildo in the center of the city. The report says that the purpose is for the idol to be visible in all the city, so that all may know of Dildolech’s greatness. Simultaneously, any displays of Christianity in public spaces are banned, especially at Christmas. You’re a little concerned. You feel like Christianity is being suppressed. “Punching down is never right!” say the temple prostitutes. You agree. You feel bad for being a bigot. The priests assure you no one will ever be forced to participate in dildo worship. You heard some guy got arrested while praying at his window, but it was for the hate speech in his prayer, not the prayer itself. You feel happy that tolerance is winning the day.

You read your conservative Christian magazine. You feel good because the writers say the Bible is true, not like those blasphemers at the mainline churches that have  become shrines to Dildolech. There have been a lot of articles lately about how all the recent social upheaval is really Christians’ fault for having been way, way too mean to Dildolecherous missionaries and temple prostitutes in the past, especially the male prostitutes. There’s some really interesting exegesis on how what St Paul said about not uniting the members of Christ with a prostitute doesn’t really apply to the current day, and what we really need to remember is how Jesus stood for being nice and making people like you. There’s a really good article on a church that has allowed Dildolech worshipers to use its sanctuary for its vile rites of sodomy and fornication. It shows how love and tolerance makes everyone happy. The article makes you feel a lot better about that visit to the temple whore you paid last weekend.

You get a call from a friend. See, he’s a butcher. A couple men stopped at his shop and said they were going to great golden dildo to burn sacrifices and engage in ritual sodomy. They asked him to prepare the special meats for the ritual. When your friend told them no, they called the local police, who burned his shop to the ground. You felt a little bad for your friend, but you felt a lot worse for the Dildolech worshipers, who have a right to sacrificial meats, and told him to stop being such a bigot, and bad things would stop happening to him. When your friend protests that he can’t participate in a blasphemous temple rite in good conscience, you remind him that all that stuff St Paul said about meat sacrificed to idols is hard to understand and out of date. The same day, your son calls to tell you he picked up HIV at the Great Aeternal Sodomy Circle of Dildolech.

At the appointed hour, when all the city is to bow and pray to Dildolech, you bow, too. You want to show people you love them, just like Relevant magazine said you should. You tell yourself it’s okay. Outside, you’re bowing and saying the words, but inside, you’re not praying. You’re thinking about pornography. That means what you’re doing isn’t idolatry, right? As your face touches the ground and you repeat the Foul Litany of Degeneracy, an acolyte pulls down your trousers and crams the ritual dildo in your rectum. You feel good about how tolerant you are. Jesus said to be nice. You saw on TV that taking a dildo in the butt is nice.

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Hateful Heretic is a jerk.