4 Super Fucking Sciencey Reasons to Oven People with Tattoos

I fucking love this article. I really do. While it may seem to be prima facie dildo, upon deeper investigation it actually offers a surprisingly comprehensive list of reasons to keep you and yours away from the ink, all while presenting as super-duper progressive and open-minded. So, let’s go ahead and dive into these 4 “scientific” reasons to date a tattooed special ash-flake – er, snowflake…

The article opens by informing the reader that 4 in 10 millennials have tattoos, and of that 40%, roughly half of them have 2 or more. The obvious implication here is that getting inked is totally mainstream and therefore unremarkable, but never fear my fellow edgytarians, the article offers myriad reasons why having tattoos still makes you totally original and non-conformist.

A TRS recommended tattoo.
1. Tattoos Are Great Conversation Starters!

According to science, men are more likely to approach women with tattoos than those without them. In fact, women with tattoos are approached 11 minutes sooner on average than their prudish ink-free counterparts. Wow! That just totally shattered my preconceptions about the anti-social nature of people with tattoos! To bolster the point, the study concludes that “Men estimated to have more chances to have a date and to have sex on the first date with tattooed participants.”

W-wait a minute… I thought this was all about striking up compelling conversations, but this quote seems to imply that the truth of the matter is tattoos on a woman signal sluttiness, and therefore these women were only approached so easily because they come off as easy lays. But that sounds like a bad thing! I was under the impression the consensus on the left was that propositioning women you don’t know for sex was rape culture, and that judging a woman’s sexual availability based on her appearance was, well, also rape culture! Did you learn nothing from the video of that swarthy Jewess suffering a 10-hour shoah at the hands of horny dindus? Goodness me…

Let’s move on.

2. Tattooed People are(n’t?) Risk-Takers!

Once again, thanks to our good friend science, we have evidence that people with tattoos tend to engage in riskier behaviours than those who don’t. Surprising, I know, but what might surprise you more is that even though people with tattoos are more likely to have eating disorders, use drugs, act out violently and even kill themselves (a study they actually linked to on their own article, by the way), dating people with a flare for risk is actually a good thing, because they have a “wildness” and “openness to new experiences (which) means they’re more likely to find unexpected opportunities in relationships,” or some gay shit like that.

Just ask 26 year old Ryan, who stated, “I have nine tattoos so far and I have dated two women with tattoos. I do find women, and a handful of men, with tattoos attractive. There’s something kind of cool and wild about them that I guess I don’t see in myself.” (emphasis my own).

Boy this article sure is selling me on tattoos. Sluts, fags, and mental-issues? Sign me up! Though, my favourite part of this point is the opening line, “While getting tattoos isn’t necessarily compulsive or irresponsible, studies have shown that people who get inked are more prone to risk-taking.” — In other words, “Even though we’d like to stress that X doesn’t imply Y (as the New Gods of political correctness demand us to), here’s a bunch of science that confirms X does indeed imply Y.”

I have a certain admiration for how bluntly this article applies its forked-tongue.

3. People with Tattoos are More Self-Confident!

That’s right, apparently people with tattoos are more confident. This is a good thing, because it could lead to more sexually liberal views, and if there’s one thing Western civilization sorely needs more of right now, it’s sexually liberal views!

As the article points out:

“A 2012 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people with tattoos usually have their first sexual encounter at an earlier age and had sex more frequently than their non-tatted counterparts. While the study confirmed that tattoos weren’t associated with risky sexual behaviors, the study suggests tattooed people are open sexually and might sooner act on those desires.”

I sure do like the idea of my daughters fucking as early and often as possible, and even though I intuitively understand that a low-impulse control/high-time preference sex life is inherently risky, this article concludes that people with tattoos aren’t more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviours, even though they are… which is good enough for me! Let’s move on.

4. Tattoos Express your Individuality

The purpose of tattoos have changed in recent years, according to this article. “Body art is becoming the opposite of conformity, a sort of badge of travel, or internationalism. People visit places and make them parts of themselves, so that they will forever bear marks of their unique visit.”

Because up until now, tattoos have been all about conformity! Not like now in the age where 4 out of 10 millennials have them (remember that?), no sir.

“Personally, I always have a sense of ‘there’s more to this person than I think’ when I see a tattoo. Tattoos are commitments. In a way, it’s a commitment to standing for something for the rest of your life,” explains Susan, 26, who tends to date tattooed guys.”

Well isn’t this the perfect note to end on. You’re looking for commitment, eh? You know, we used to have an institution for that, but I suppose sleeping around with tattooed guys is just as good…

Well there you have it, folks. All the reasons you need to date someone with tattoos. To recap, people with tattoos are more likely to be violent sexual deviants with drug addictions and suicidal tendencies, but that just means they’re adventurous and open-minded. And hey, if you find a woman with tattoos, that means they’re more likely to fuck you! That’s a plus, right?  Just remember, no matter how bad the implications of something seems, you can always preface it with a denial of those implications, then immediately admit to the veracity of those implications so long as you frame it in a positive way.

Happy, inking!