The University of Michigan is doing their part to help end offensive speech. In a new $16k program they have dubbed the “Inclusive Language Campaign,” the university has effectively banned a number of common words and phrases. They believe that this prohibition will be just what the doctor ordered, and surely will prevent sensitive individuals from having their dainty feelings bruised by the unwashed masses.
We can do better than this. Obviously, the university isn’t going far enough. Being the caring and politically correct humanist that I am, I have come up with a short list of additional words and phrases that must be banned from our society immediately in order for us all to avoid any uncomfortable realities.
From this point forward, all individuals must no longer use this insensitive greeting. Atheists are made uncomfortable by such an obvious and disgusting religious reference. Atheists are not going to hell because there is no hell, and you are a bad person for trying to force your religious fanaticism down their throats. Conversely, this word is also offensive to Christian fundamentalists. Their entire being revolves around avoiding going to Hell, and your callous greeting belittles their efforts and erodes their sense of self-worth.
It is no longer appropriate to use this word as a descriptor for a mutual encounter for recreation or courtship. The traditional sense of this word implies patriarchal dominance over women, and is thus offensive to all persons, regardless of which of the numerous genders or sexual orientations they hail from. Establishing dominance over others is unacceptable in a civilized society and should never be celebrated by remembering the occasion. All persons are equal, and the patriarchal dominance and exclusion implied by this word can only be overcome by abolishing these archaic courtship rituals where one person pays for another person’s meal.
3. “What do you do for a living?”
When you use this hurtful question, you are implying that a person must contribute to society in some meaningful way in order for them to have self-worth. People have value just by virtue of being alive. There is no reason to believe that just because a person has no career, pays no taxes, and has no education their opinion is any less valuable than your own.
The evil cis-hetero patriarchy has poisoned your mind by indoctrinating you to the use of this word. Clearly, the intent here is to downplay the relevance of females, hermaphrodites, and gender neutral persons. In order to break this cycle, we must purge this terrible insult from our lexicon. All persons must now be referred to by the impersonal pronoun “they” or the second-person form “you.”
5. “Would you like fries with that?”
This phrase may be the hardest for the most ardent Marxist to abandon, as it will likely interfere with their job duties. Minimum wage food service workers are undervalued in society, and it is the height of insensitivity to force them to humiliate themselves with this question. Also, it is obvious that everyone would like fries, but cannot have them in equal portions until the proletariat uprising that delivers us to utopia. No fries, no peace.
There is always more that can be done to make the world safer and less offensive. Now is the time, shitlords. Seize the day. Change the world. Embrace the growing fascism that is modern liberalism.