One Weird Trick For Drumming Up Clicks In AdSense

Hey kids, time for another Godwin rant.

By now you and everyone you know has seen the latest gem from unleashed minds behind that nexus of college-tier leftism, AlterNet. You know, the one where white people are all basically ISIS because a mob executed people extrajudicially by immolation. Therefore reparations. Remember the thousands of negro fire sacrifices to the White God. Oy vey, it’s anotha Shoah. Our esteemed Daily Shoah Correspondent on Southern Issues and Water-type Hate Machine already roasted Chauncey’s numbers like a white Boer at Winnie Mandela’s birthday party here. Godwin’s here to foam at the mouth about this whole Negroah Shoah business.

The piece begins by colorfully suggesting that these routine ceremonies of negrocution were the événement du’jour- drawing families of toothless hicks with their sister-cousins and fancy ladies with their eligible suitors alike, from around the state, nay even country. How white people did it ritualistically to “symbolically purge the black body from White America” and had spectacular lynchings regularly for 100 years. It goes on to suggest that the cases of immolations he describes are evidence that white people are just two missed flagellation sessions away from becoming barbarians just like the modern day inhabitants of Africa and the Middle East but ones who immolate people not for political or military means, but for fucking entertainment.

Notice the shapes- CROSSES! That's right, Christians did this.
Notice the shapes- CROSSES! That’s right, Christians are to blame for this as well.
First, there’s no way in the world all those lynchings were live immolations and it seems like a really big stretch to claim that more than a “count with your fingers” amount happened. It seems like they were extremely rare. Shitlick posted most of the pictures known of these “spectacular” lynchings which were supposed to be the talk-of-the-goddamn-town. Right after he mentioned that literal hundreds of postcards depicting unique hanging events are known. Hurrrr, ookaaay. The vast majority of accounts describe a relatively quick execution. Hangings were the most common and often they were shot as well. I don’t want to sound like I’m advocating mobs stringing people up and shooting them for whatever they feel is an adequate accusation or conviction but that’s not the same as immolation.

Even then, we don’t do it anymore, though, do we? Pretty sure that shit’s like 100% not the way we do things in ‘Murica. Hot dogs? Check. Big block V-8s? Check. Lynch mobs? NOPE. Mobs setting hundreds of people on fire a year or stringing them up after a conviction in the court of public opinion are basically non-existent on this entire continent for the last century. That’s more of an African circa two-thousand and now thing. Outside the lower half of Africa and the warlord-free areas of the Middle East that shit’s really fuckin’ rare worldwide.

We're not the Fire Nation anymore, we're the gentler Water Nation now.
We’re not the Fire Nation anymore, we’re the gentler Water Nation now.
Not to mention, I hate to be the guy that says it, but lynchings weren’t always deliberate spectacles, trumped up charges, accidents or mistaken identity. Sometimes the dude swinging fuckin’ did it. Full stop.

I mean, on the surface all this “lynching was a black suppression ritual” nonsense might sound good to a retard, but c’mon they weren’t going to “symbolically purge” anything. Almost all of the places where these happened were very-to-mostly black (40-80%) and about a third of the victims were white. It stands to reason that blacks suffered them disproportionately (because antebellum Cotton Belt) but otherwise the concentration of incidents in the 1890s and Black Belt suggests lynching affair was more of a symptom of that brief period in that local culture and that the disparity is hardly “genocide”-grade.

Of course the whole article is building to the climax- where are the reparations for the ten thousand beautiful black bodies sacrificed for White Jesus? When will all 245 million white Americans commit sodoku as justice for their participation in this spectacular crime against humanity? Will white people collectively prostrate themselves because someone with their skin color did something of a century ago which people of our skin color have been doing since?  Why is black income so much lower? Why are black violence rates so much higher? Why does the sun shine, Susie? Chancey answers all his own questions with questions like some kind of oblivious Socratic feedback loop and then trails off with the boilerplate about American Empire and genocide and stolen legacies. It all boils down to “whitey is bad, whitey owes not-whitey, then whitey needs to self-destruct”.

Ugh. Of course it’s anotha shoah, with a name like Chauncey DeVega. That name screams “I’m an upper middle class POC Intersectionality major and activist working here part-time until a job at opens up at Children and Families approving political asylum applications so I can work with my autistic Poly-African boyfriend Dequandenobobo”. #triggered

The great thing about AlterNet is that literally anyone can be a blogger in 3 easy steps. Blame whitey for something they haven’t blamed them for yet. Spellcheck your work (semi-optional). Submit. They’ll take your article, print it, rack up a bazillion hits in their “white guilt” AdSense campaign and voila. If any of our readers want to have some fun with AlterNet’s typewriter monkeys approach I’m proposing the Godwin Challenge- attempt to get the most absurd article you can posted to AlterNet, anyone who succeeds will certainly get a tip of the fedora and a sly wink from this dissolute degenerate.

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Duke Godwin is the ghost of an accountant who wrote a check for the Reichskanzlei's utility bill in 1931 and was executed by Mossad at the age of 96 for aiding the Nazi's
Hell, Michigan