The TRS Holiday Shopping Guide: A Daily Shoah Excerpt

TRANSCRIPT:

Always looking to help out with the stress of the Holiday season, the marketing team at TRS has whipped up yet another shopping guide to help you find just the right thing for the white people in your life. Last time we covered a selection of essentials for any alienated, rebellious teenage anarchist you may know. This time we have researched the hottest items of the season for that extra-special 20-something, angst-ridden, tree-hugging, earth-worshipping hippie in your family.

First, Kangen Water!

Playing the sitar and dancing in a stoned haze to reggae music builds up a powerful thirst, and the best way to quench it is with ionized, non-GMO, Kangen Water produced by Enagic USA Inc. Impress your friends by drinking the most popular pseudoscientific product consumed in Japan by actual real life Asian people speaking a foreign language. Discover alkaline water today! The Leveluk SD501 water ionizer is only $3,980.00 at Enagic.com, ACT NOW!

Up next, Books on Shamanism!

The best way to display a sense of mock spirituality and oneness with the universe is to leave a book on Shamanism on the coffee table at a casually deliberate angle to houseguests. The Shaman’s Market is your number one stop on the internet for purchasing Carlos Castenada literature like “Fire from Within,” or “The Teaching of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge” available for only $15.00! Don’t forget to peruse the Market for any number of Sacred Items guaranteed to signal you are as close to having a deep connection with the Divine as any pretentious white person could possibly be. I personally suggest authentic Buddhist prayer flags for $6.00 or a genuine Alpaca Peruvian poncho for only $325. Buy them before your neighbor demonstrates his superior harmony with the universe first!

Moving on… Need a little Santa’s Helper of your own? let’s face it, you can never have too many water bongs, especially since your clumsy unshaven girlfriend continually knocks them over into your collection of authentic Chinese statuary spilling 6 month old reeking bong-fong and broken glass all over the floor and potentially ruining your Tibetan prayer mat. Pick up a new bong, hookah, or “water pipe” from Amazon.com’s vast selection of totally not-illegal marijuana paraphernalia.

Last but not least on our list, top it off with Bill Hick’s irreverent and socially conscious comedy material that regurgitates basic liberal talking points with a hefty injection of faux-spiritualism and speaks truth to power, or something. The Bill Hicks Essential Collection is on sale right now for only $41.45 with your amazon prime membership! Listen to Hicks rant against marketing and capitalism with your family this Holiday season!

Spiritual awakening and counter-cultural chic are all the rage this Holiday season! Don’t miss out on these amazing deals this Black Friday! Wait, is that racist?

Author image
Hey bro, that's racist.