The TRS Guide to SWPL Safaris

We here at TRS understand that as a compassionate liberal socialite, real-world demonstrations of your benevolence can be later used as ironclad proofs establishing your superior moral preferences. Fortunately enough, in this high tech world actual video and photographic verification of your Unlocked Achievements in social awareness can be immediately uploaded to your Facebook page for all your jealous liberal friends to agonize over. Bear in mind that when going on these exotic adventures among African wild-life, your safety is the first priority, and the objective is to promote the overall narrative, not accidentally end up as a popular story of naive liberal stupidity on With that in mind, we present to you several essential tips to make your next SWPL Safari a success, and not just a crime statistic:

You’ll be sorry, alright.
**1. When protesting, make sure law enforcement officers have secured the scene first.** I know it may be tempting to wander away from your tour guide and explore the urban jungle by yourself, but please stay within eyesight of armed police officers at all times. Do not venture into the Black Zone unprotected, even to attend a strategy meeting, as the diverse and ethnically rich individuals living in their native environment [may misidentify you as a hostile.]( *The safest place to protest is always a police station.* **2. Police stations may not be the safest place to protest.** While the high concentration of law enforcement officers means a cop is at the ready if you need one, bear in mind parking lots may not be secure, as [Elizabeth Vega discovered when her car was stolen]( while she chanted “Fuck the Police.” *You definitely want to avoid the embarrassment of spitting on cops and then returning to file a police report at all costs.* **3. Interacting with police themselves may not be safe.** Ethnically vibrant culturally enriched areas may also have large numbers of diverse individuals working in law enforcement, which in areas like Ferguson has resulted in some rather unusual breaches in protocol [such as forced oral sex with jailers]( Remember that while white police officers might be able to protect you from the ravages of oppressed black male resentment on the street, if you are incarcerated and find yourself in the clutches of a POC looking to stage his own informal protest of white privilege.
You’ll find out if toilet wine really is a thing or not.
**4. There are no “Press Passes” in the jungle.** Should your objective be to merely document the struggle in progress, take into consideration that while such an endeavor is valuable to humanity, the actual equipment you use to do so is even [more valuable]( to the natives themselves.  Your best bet is to disguise your camera and/or audio equipment as items the pavement apes do not desire. For instance, install your video camera inside a work-boot, and disguise your boom microphone and stand as a paint roller on an extension pole. Don’t write or take notes on an iPad, but use physical paper. For best results, use paper done up to look like Power Company stationary or an [overdue Water Bill]( **5. Use the Buddy System.** It’s always good to be brave, but not #SoBrave that you venture into the darkest of dark country on your own. The Bix Noods are sure to swarm a single outsider and take them out with their superior numbers, and having a companion or two can mean the difference between life and death. Err… [actually]( …you probably will need a ton of buddies to make a difference. [Nevermind, look over there](! Also, having a buddy means having a witness. We all know the Cops are less likely to kill you for no reason if there’s a witness. **6. Make sure your mom knows where you are.** Being a coddled, sheltered upper middle class Brahmin has its drawbacks. One of them is while you do come from some wealth, mom and dad probably don’t trust you enough to let you just have instant access to it. So, when you venture out of their basement to go assign agency to the Ferguson Dindu population in the hopes of using them to spark some sort of left libertarian commie revolution you’re pretending is about to happen, make sure you leave a note for mom letting her know when and where to pick you up. Be sure your cell phone is fully charged, and conceal it well so that when the shit really hits the fan, you can phone home for a ride. Be sure to also warn the ‘rents that they may need to have bail money ready for your inevitable hilarious, brutal and hopefully un-filmed apprehension by the police. [![](]( **7. #Inactivism is probably the way to go.** Upon reflection, your best bet is to just stay home on your computer, following hashtags and ‘liking’ edgy posts on Facebook regarding the protests. If that’s not enough, you can also attempt to decipher the flood of Ebonics laden tweets about resistance and justice that are sure to be flowing like purple drank. If you really want to be safe, yet still signal your solidarity with the tribes of suburban St Louis, you can always photoshop yourself into a photo here and there. Spin some Rage Against The Machine songs and have at it.
If you’re no good at Photoshop, just tell your friends you’re one of the idiots in the Guy Fawkes masks.