Old White Men with Guns are Still Heroes

I know it’s easy to become a bitter, disenchanted alcoholic when all a man sees is the unceasing march of the dildos approaching like some annual winter migration, but we’re going to take a minute to give respect where it is due to some white patriarchal figures that deserve more recognition. Naturally the mainstream media hasn’t taken much time off from the Ebola Crisis or the crushing Democrat election defeat to acknowledge them, so we here at TRS are going to put them in the spotlight for a second and highlight what makes them particularly shining examples of what us vile racist hetero-patriarchs are supposed to do in the face of evil.

First we have the case of Kevin Vickers, a retired Canadian Mountie appointed Sergeant at Arms at Canada’s House of Commons. When vibrant young convert to Islam Michael Zehaf-Bibeau killed a soldier outside the Parliament building and then entered with the intention of continuing his Jihad against Western civilization, Vickers sat up from his desk and retrieved a 9 MM handgun from the child-safe liberal mandated lockbox nearby. He sauntered off in the direction of the gunman, and when his team notified him of Dirka-Dirka’s exact location, he dived to the floor while simultaneously rolling onto his back to deliver fatal shots into the suspect in an expert display of martial prowess rumored to have given action-movie director John Woo simultaneous orgasms and a plot for his next film. No one else was injured, Vickers dusted himself off, straightened his tie, then walked back to his office to reload, in case a few more Muslim converts required an express trip to Allah.

“I engaged the suspect and the suspect is deceased.”
“I engaged the suspect and the suspect is deceased.”
Kevin Vickers was given a 5 minute standing ovation by Parliament for his services, to which he responded with a single cursory nod of acknowledgement, then resumed frowning seriously and evaluating potential threats while calculating ballistic trajectories. No word yet on whether or not he will be put on paid leave, psychologically examined, and then have his actions examined for wrong-doing while a mob of outraged Muslims demands justice for Dindu Dirka. Another casualty was snarky airheaded bimbo Chrissy Teigen, who “quit” Twitter after her inane liberal comments about the shooting got her drowned in flames online. In fact, for once, it seems everyone agrees with reality: Vickers is being widely lauded as a hero, footage of Vicker’s standing ovation is on major news networks, and in general the left has only managed to mumble out a few irrelevant words about gun control.

Next we have a case of personal significance to me because it involves my childhood home: When an ethnically diverse group of Dindus broke into Kenneth Byrd’s home in Lumberton North Carolina and attempted to rob him, he initially cooperated, apparently right up to the moment the pack of thugs feasted their beady little eyes on his 19 year-old grand-daughter and attempted to rape her. At this point, the 67 year old grandfather retrieved a gun and began a shootout inside his home, driving the gangster wannabes out of his house even while taking several gunshot wounds for his trouble. Jamie Lee Faison would later die of his injuries inside Byrd’s stolen Cadillac, *forever ending his chances of tryna get his lyfe back togetha and go da college. *

I have to admit, the mental image of some would be rapist thug bleeding out and dying in a stolen Cadillac warms my heart better than the glasses of Wild Turkey Kenneth Byrd almost definitely exchanged with Clint Eastwood and the ghost of John Wayne before reluctantly agreeing to medical treatment for his injuries. The very idea of an elderly man gunning down a ragtag group of Dindus to protect his family deserves to be the topic of national recognition, at least in a sane world where heroism is lauded and scumbaggery is scorned. (Perhaps that’s too much to ask when our culture would rather frump and fret over how poverty is a good excuse for attempted rape) This is real justice here, and you know what,* it couldn’t have happened without this guy owning a firearm.*

Let’s remember that even during the Great Tribulation of Dildos, we can still count on old white men with guns to do the right thing when it counts.