How to Left: Feign Compassion (Chapter One)

Thank you for choosing to be a Left-minded thinker, promising young pupil. By taking the time to read this guide, I assume you have experienced the common problems we comrades face on a day-to-day basis, such as a lacking of logical consistency, forgetting to check one’s privilege, or accidentally picking up a Chick-Fil-A sandwich (oops s:) to name a few.  Not to worry! To be the best leftist you can be, it’s really as easy as 1-2-3. In this guide, I will be putting the rules of lefting into a clear perspective for the young comrade, and you’ll be smashing fascism in no time at all!

Never doubt yourself, or stray away from leftist thinking. When the goings get rough, it’s important to remind yourself of all the struggles we face. We must remain united in our cause, or all will be lost to the racist, cis-sexist, capitalist patriarchy. Plus, it’s an incredibly comfortable position! I can’t remember the last time I actually challenged myself to think.

Left on, young comrade.

-Feign Compassion-

Let me introduce you to the most powerful tactic in your arsenal: feigning compassion. It’s really quite simple once you get the hang of it. We veterans have been using this tactic for many years, and it gets more fun with every use! Allow me to give you a better understanding of this tactic, along with some fun history.

Many years ago, when President George W. Bush invaded Iraq, we saw this is as a perfect opportunity to feign compassion. Oh, you should have seen it young comrade. It was the perfect tool to use against the Right. Anytime the Right made a valid point, we could easily counter it with reminding them of the horrors of war. “HOW MANY CIVILIANS ARE WORTH IT?” “NO WAR FOR OIL!” “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” It made us feel really good about ourselves. It allowed us to remain comfortable, and not really do any thinking. This elementary tactic requires an elementary worldview to take full advantage of.

Smashing Fascism!
Smashing Fascism!
After the reign of the evil Bush was over, we easily inserted a non-White into office with the momentum this feigning of compassion gave us. Who would have thought we would be killing two birds with one stone? Dis-empower the Right AND have a POC as president? Now that’s what I call a victory.  Of course after the victory was accomplished, the feigning stopped. Not like we need to be using this tactic against people we like. Especially a POC. That’s racist.

Obama did pull soldiers out of Iraq, and I guess that’s cool too. Probably for the best to keep ourselves appearing compassionate. Also the idea of White soldiers shooting brown people gives me the willies, so it was best all around to pull the troops out. Yes, leaving Iraq did allow ISIS to seize territory within the region, but it’s important to remind the Right that this is all their fault to begin with, rather than doing something about it. Yes, allowing ISIS to control territory in Iraq has given them access to valuable resources to fund their war efforts, but just wait this one out comrade. If a White man is elected president and invades Iraq again, can you imagine how much the feigning we will be capable of? Also, if Hillary is elected and decides to stabilize the region, we will be able to applaud her for being a strong womyn. Either way, it’s best we bide our time.

lol idgaf he's white anyway
lol idgaf he’s white anyway
What’s that? You’re not sure if you’re feigning properly? Not a problem. Allow me to walk you through it.

First, relax your muscles. Clear your mind, and keep focused on the task at hand. Next, raise your eyebrows to a pathetic position, and squint slightly. If you’re having difficulty, try to imagine a pile of horse shit under your nose. Next, flair your nostrils out and raise your cheeks. Good! You’re nearly there. Now allow your mouth to lazily open, and quiver your bottom lip with each inhale. Perfect (2). While using this expression, state your emotional case. Make sure logical cases are drowned out by your shitty wailing.

Figure 1 must always be avoided when feigning. Figure 2 is the desired expression.
Figure 1 must always be avoided when feigning. Figure 2 is the desired expression.
With enough practice, you will be able to transition from a standard expression to the feigning expression within a matter of seconds. Us veterans can achieve the look almost instantaneously. In fact, sometimes we forget to transition back to our normal expressions, and accidentally maintain the feigning expression for days. Remember to transition to the feign expression the moment right-wingers are in sight. This expression will typically ward off most of them, similar to the effect of a wolf baring it’s teeth.

Lastly, but most importantly, make sure you have an audience. Discussion with a right-winger one on one is brave, but risky. You will need an audience; preferably one of like-minded individuals. The more feigning, the better. A sea of wailing is almost guaranteed to send those fascists on their merry way! If the racist still refuses to walk away in defeat, shout as many buzzwords as fast as humanly possible. The more you think of, the more frustrated the evil oppressor will become. If all else fails, resort to voodoo chanting. This is guaranteed to allow you to walk away victorious. The louder, the better! Observe some of our brave comrades using this last line of defense:

I hope this chapter put this wonderful tactic of ours into perspective for you, young comrade. Remember, it’s easier to be comfortable than to think, and moral high ground allows us to remain as comfortable as we wish. A leftist is always comfortable. If you’re not comfortable, feign compassion.

Left on, young comrade.

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Never dead.