The Truth is Out There: Paranoid Liberal Conspiracy Theories

For a group that tries to make rational objectivity and scientific evaluation part of their very identity, you would think liberals would be somewhat immunized from credulously plunging into popular myths and downright paranoid conspiracy theories. Apparently believing yourself to be intellectually superior to the average bear actually makes one more prone to errors in reasoning. Here are a few hilariously blatant pieces of fiction that have become points of faith for the progressive Democrat crowd.


Faux News is propaganda to brainwash hapless conservatives.

For a moment this one almost seems plausible. Clearly Fox is a disreputable network no sane person would ever cite as a source, except in settings in which one is explicitly ridiculing it. Usually you will hear Fox News mentioned in one singular context: Liberal condemnations of it for biased journalism and propaganda. You will typically also see more liberals bitching about Fox News than you will ever witness Conservatives citing it as a source, since Fox is tossed into the same box as Natural News and Alex Jones in terms of credibility. It turns out there is deeply hilarious reason for this phenomena. Democrats watch Fox News in staggering numbers. In fact, some estimates have gone as high as 33% Democrat viewers to 39% Republican! Even Fox’s own network polls even reveal an occasional left-wing bias in their audience, as seen here. I had a moment of sobering clarity here myself when I realized the only time I had ever watched Fox was just to see what all the ruckus was about.


One would almost be tempted to create a new conspiracy theory here, that Fox News  is intentionally trolling liberals with controversial rhetoric to increase viewership. Only this theory might have some shred of credibility, since apparently Fox does in fact troll the fucking internet. At the very least Fox is intentionally cashing in on their own controversy, which certainly isn’t a new development in journalism. To a rational, impartial observer it looks like Fox is mostly concerned about making money and appealing to its demographic, and nothing more.

Of course this kind of even-handed analysis is entirely too reasonable. No, there must be something deeply sinister going on here. Obviously Fox is actually selling propaganda and brainwashing Conservatives into hating gays and “denying Climate Change” at the behest of secret Republican masters. Fox itself represents such an intentional assault on truthful reporting that we ought to commission a government agency to fact check these assholes and censor them accordingly. In fact, every single view point opposed to the Revealed Truth of Liberalism issues from Fox’s Great Satanic Mouth, because as we all know it is impossible to reject any progressive argument without repeating something you have heard Sean Hannity say. Fox is truly the root of all conservative evil.

Conversations about news inevitably result in a crowd of zealous liberals cathartically ridiculing Fox as part of some kind of public religious ritual designed to reinforce one’s intellectual sacredness and simultaneously banish the Murdoch Demon back to the depths of Hell. Watching rational and scientific liberals whipping themselves into a paranoid frenzy of extreme delusion is perversely entertaining, but one really does wonder how they manage to hold all these contradictory ideas at once. How can Fox really be pushing Republican propaganda if its an Evil Business just trying to make money for the Dark Sith Lord Shareholders? If Republican politics really conflicted with Fox’s bottom line, would it really push those narratives at its own expense? Isn’t it more likely that Fox is just appealing to a pre-existing market, and isn’t actually brainwashing anyone? If Fox brainwashes people, why are so many liberal Democrat viewers immune to its influence? Does Fox emit a special invisible signal tuned to Conservative brainwave patterns? Does this mean liberals watch Fox News with tinfoil wrapped tightly around their heads, just in case?

The Kochtopus

The next imaginary demon in the progressive Monster Manual is the dreaded multi-tentacled beast known as the Kochtopus. Hearing liberals speak of the Koch brothers conjures up visions of an interdimensional super-villain team up featuring Ming the Merciless and General Zod. These two villains, unmatched in their depravity, are constantly hatching nefarious plots to ensnare innocent and hapless voters, control the government, undermine democracy, destroy the middle-class, poison the environment, “funnel money” to the 1%, destroy healthcare and torture kittens. Liberals really do believe with religious fervor that the Koch’s are deliberately trying to create human misery and suffering. That people could simply have different ideas about what is good for society is never considered. The revealed truth of liberalism cannot be questioned. Anyone that goes against it must be doing so out of intentional malice.


Liberals are completely impervious to reason on this point. Any suggestion that the Kochs are simply philanthropists, or that perhaps they do not actually control the Tea Party or Congress is met with incredulity and indignation. Even asking the question is met with outraged bellowing to simply “Look around you!” The all-encompassing nature of this conspiracy is apparently so obvious that only an uninformed rube or a Fox News viewer (same thing really) would question it. In fact questioning the ubiquitous nature of the Koch conspiracy is proof positive that you are a Fox News viewer. The Koch brothers are lurking in the shadows, secretly corrupting everything, even things that they have absolutely nothing to do with at all. Simply googling the term “Koch brothers” yields pages and pages of progressive websites filled with frantic bleating and breathless conspiracy mongering.

The Koch brothers are unquestionably using their control of the media to conceal their efforts to undermine democracy and destroy the environment. We know this is true because we read about it on the inernet. And because we constantly hear about it from NY Times, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, CNN, The LA Times, Rachel Maddow, Harry Reid, Bill Moyers, HuffPo, The New Yorker,, Mother Jones, Rolling Stone, Democracy Now!, Daily Kos, and of course Comedy Central.

Of course if you actually bother to do some research you see that not only does Koch Industries not appear anywhere near the top of the list of political donors in the US from 1989 – 2014, but the top ten is taken up almost entirely by labor unions and other progressive causes and the Democrats get the lion’s share. In fact you have to get down to number 17 before you even see a donor that favors the GOP.


Yeah. Oops. But don’t think that research and data will ever actually convince an open-minded, skeptical, objective and scientific-minded liberal that his lurid fantasies of Conservative malevolence are not true.