I Hate John Green

Let me introduce my readers to what could easily be the most punchable face I’ve ever seen.

Author John Green’s enlightened argument against common sense doesn’t help the case against his face.  Especially when his “enlightenment” translates to seeing your crotch as a whole grain cereal.  johngreen

1: In most cases (and by “most” I mean every), there is a correlation between high numbers of sexual partners and an inability to stay loyally monogamous.  There also tends to be other psychological issues attached to promiscuity, in particular chemical dependence.  Oh, and there are those pesky STIs to take into account.

2: Women are always held to a different standard than men.  Always have, always will.  There are negative consequences for both genders regardless; negative consequences don’t require an impossible standard of equality.  The best Green’s “equality” can do is remove consequences and reduce the actors to objects.

3: The cereal in John’s enlightened comparison is quality controlled, inspected and cleared for human consumption.  It is not recycled or previously eaten and left unfinished.  The risks of infection that could possibly compromise your immune system and lead to a horrific wasting death are also remarkably low.

When it comes to waving off promiscuity and it’s profound risks, a more apt comparison would be dumpster diving.

4: It is truly horrible to realize there exist people who believe it’s a good thing when their lives and actions are compared to the consumption of breakfast cereal.  I’d rather be a slut than a bowl of Cheerios; the former at least hints at a human possessing some agency.

Author image
Bulbasaur is a blue collar worker and part-time polemicist from the Southern U.S.