Progress Lost

A liberal college student from Birmingham, Alabama is given the power to travel through time.

His mission: to kill John Wilkes Booth before he can assassinate The Best President Ever (except for maybe Roosevelt or Johnson).

The goal: to ensure Lincoln’s progressive agenda and liberal legacy is allowed to fully take root.


The mission is an easy success.

The college student returns to modern day Birmingham, and is greeted by a jolly fat southerner who “ain’t seen you around these parts before.”

The southerner asks him what his preferred gender pronouns are. The student replies “Standard male gendered pronouns will do,” and gets an odd look from the southerner, who had been expecting a “xir” or ze-zy-zo-zum.

The young man finds out that Birmingham, to his delight, is now a progressive utopia that makes ample use of alternative energy, has legalized all drugs, and readily accepts LGBTBBQWTF people.

After hours of EUPHORIA, the liberal student notices that there are no black people. The student searches out the southern man he spoke to earlier, who was shocked that someone was actually looking for blacks in the United States.

They’d been deported by Abraham Lincoln.


In fact, according to the southerner the whole country was bitterly racist, believing their progressive white civilization superior thanks to the exile of the emancipated slaves and a strict pursuit of genetic homogeneity since then.

The few areas of black Africa capable of maintaining a semblance of civilization were ruled by warlords descended from the black exiles from the U.S.

“Some of the niggers wound up escaping to Canada, though. I hear those monkeys sure give ‘em plenty of headaches in return for their kindness. Hell, last I heard those bastards were actually punching people out in public and video-tapping it. Not surprising, what with them being what they are.” The southerner shrugged, “I suppose things could be worse though: Canadian welfare keeps those niggers too fat to be as violent as they are down in Africa.”

Taking a moment to drag on his vapor cigarette, the southerner continued. “Anyway, thanks to our lack of blacks, we’re actually a lot more progressive than the Canucks these days. They haven’t even legalized gay polygamy yet.”


The liberal college student was aghast. “How can you be so selectively bigoted?! Blacks and gays, they’re all the same! We’re all humans!”

The southerner wasn’t having any of this shit. “I ain’t never seen a gay put no bone through his nose or cut his adopted daughter’s genitals. Over 80% of nigger children in Canada are born out of wedlock; our gays have the highest rate of marital stability. Our current President is a homosexual, in fact: been happily married for 20 years, two grown and well-adjusted children. You’d be lucky to find a single darkie in the Western Hemisphere with a household resembling President Takei’s.”

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!”, cried the student. “You’re like Hitler!”


The southerner was giddy. “Oh wow, thank you. He was by far the most inspirational writer of the 20th century. It’s too bad he didn’t seek re-election in 1948.”

“OH JESUS CHRIST! 1948?! DID HE KILL ALL THE JEWS IN WORLD WAR TWO?”, screamed the student, apparently entering a panic attack.

“There was only one world war, son, and we didn’t even get involved. Ain’t no sense in fighting your brothers. Hitler did expell a lot of ‘em though. Britain gave them a little sliver of land in the middle east, but the Arabs ended up invading and killing them all,” explained the southerner.

“OH GOD NO! MY PEOPLE!!!!”, the student screamed.

“I bet you’re one of those douchebags who thinks we should’ve given New Judea nukes and airplanes. I love how you Europeans call us racist while conveniently ignoring your little ‘white man’s burden’ colonial missions,” said the southerner.

The student vomited all over the beautiful non-oppressive environmentally-friendly sidewalk.

“Are you alright? The universal healthcare center is right down the street.”