Neo-Merchandise: The Dawning of a New Merchant Era


Always remember folks, you can never get enough of what you don’t want.

I’ve been looking for a neologism for a phenomenon I’m not only starting to see (now that I’m looking for it), but have been seeing for the past few years.

Fuck it, I’m calling it neo-merchandise.

The great thing about neo-merchandise is that appeals to that set of the population that think of themselves as “wise,” and “on to” the traditional methodology and tactics of how corporations sell. They’ve seen Mad Men. They’ve watched a few Michael Moore documentaries. They’re smart.

I just reread the latter half of that paragraph. It sounds as desperate as I intended it to be. Read it again, except read it aloud in your mind with a rising intonation–make sure it peaks for the last sentence: they’re smart?

Hipsters are relentlessly ideological. It’s not that they buy or spend less. Rather, they are in need of a little extra conning before they shell out the shekels to merchant. And merchant is only happy to oblige them. Often, they pay far more than their “duped” predecessors. Just call it organic.

Or ideology aside, as in the above picture, the “shock” value of “randomness” is supposed to pull a lot of weight. “They’re really breaking the rules, man! Sexcereal! Soooooooo edgy!”

Jew marketers, pay attention: Anything anti-meaning, random, Will Ferrell-like, hopelessly ideological and/or imbued with faux-significance will sell like hotcakes.

But you already knew that. This is what works on a generation that’s apathetic and irreligious. Religious impulses will simply be channeled elsewhere; they don’t vanish. Neo-merchandise is about seeking salvation through cereal. It’s about merchant allowing you to pay for your white privilege by transferring currency in exchange for a product that’s 8 parts ideology, 2 parts product.

Wince through that granola, white boy.

Self-flagellation is a superstitious, medieval practice as everyone knows. It’s mighty strange then that white boy so eagerly jumps on the bandwagon. He knows that soy milk mixed with cow dung is bullshit, but he has to atone for his sin somehow. And there isn’t any other way except to pay homage to whatever just-so justification can be force fed down his throat. “You mean this product will help end the oppressiveness of the patriarchy? Well, I guess so…” GULP

Let’s create the product description: “Soy milk mixed with organic cow-dung has been a staple of the Tibetan Himalayan region for thousands of years and possesses the healing properties which have allowed monks–Tibetan and otherwise–to live for over a hundred years in a very minimalist, contemplative fashion. Although the intrusive forces of industrial capitalism have temporarily interrupted the painstaking preparatory cow-dung traditions, Jew Merchant Inc. is proud to be a part of restoring this sacred, natural practice. Our cow-dung extraction methods are powered by the sun, and we ship in poor, disadvantaged workers from the Dalit caste to work in the extraction processes. By taking Soy Milk and Cow-Dung, you experience the serenity of cool warrior assassin monks (without all that self-sacrifice and other virtuous bullshit stuff that takes so much time!), while simultaneously moving Tibet closer to independence. It’ll totally make you like Chuck Norris! Five percent of proceeds go to Breast Cancer, LGBTQQYYXXXXJJJ33232 causes, and George Soros.”

GULP is the sound white boy makes, as he closes his nose, scrunches his face, and downs it. There’s a sense of palpable relief. His sins have temporarily been accounted for. The balance is reset.

But tomorrow looms, and the cycle never ends.